Desdemone's Diary
by Letter Writers
Summary: this is the diary of Desdemone Thumbleknuckle, best friend of Lily Potter.
1. Chapter 1.

Chelsea wrote this fic. It is Desdemone's journal following the deaths of Lily and James Potter and the conviction of Sirius Black. 

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This has SPOILERS for our other fics (both of them). Do not read it if you do not want to find things out.

Chelsea is going to write more here, I believe.

For now, on with the fic...

Dear diary.

I just woke up with a sickening jolt in my stomach. I had a nightmare and it scared me so badly, yet the moment I woke up I forgot what it was. The feeling was still left behind though. When I woke up I felt hot and clammy, beads of sweat running down my face, sick from something. What was it? What was the dream that left me trembling as I was?

Sometimes living in this little secluded wood cabin alone like this makes me feel as though I am going mad. Yes, I know it's for my own protection and that Voldemort just might kill me. I just wish I was anywhere else but here. It has just occurred to me that 20 years ago I wished I could live somewhere alone like this, where I could sort out my thoughts and write. Hogwarts changed me. Now I want to be with people, risking my life and seeking adventure. I want to see Voldemort and his followers gone or somewhere where nobody can ever be hurt. And I really want to risk my life for it. I guess Lily was the one who planted this bravery in me. Thank god she did, I would never have lived if it weren't for her. God I miss her. I wish she was here with me all the time.

And here I am, writing. My first year at Hogwarts I wanted to grow up and be a journalist. A journalist! Ha! Sitting here writing makes me feel so deep all the time. I notice everything now. Perhaps it's just the constant silence that eats away at me and forces me to drool my thoughts all over the paper. Maybe it's just that constant need to feel my hand moving across the paper, or the need to be doing something, or the need to have someone to talk to. I really am only writing to myself. I hate speaking to myself out loud. I feel like everyone can hear me. The sound of my own lonely voice scares me. Isolation is the root of insanity.

I've been thinking about that fight I had the other day with Sirius. He's always been distant, but never this distant. I feel so worn out about him. He is so frustrating sometimes. It makes me want to cry really. He says he is drained and stressed. I don't see why he can't tell me things though. He won't _talk_ to me! All I want is to talk to him. He doesn't understand how much I need him to talk to me. And there's a secret he won't tell me. I begged him to let me know what it was, why it was so important, why he couldn't trust me with any of his secrets. And he got angry at me. 

"Look, Des, I'm sick and tired of all this. I'm not telling you and I don't have to tell you! Just wait until the whole things blown over and then I might let you know. Until then, stop prying into my life!" He flashed dark furious eyes at me. He might as well have hit me. He was so cold and not himself. I hardly know him at all anymore.

What am I going to do? Has he stopped caring about me? I love him so much that I can't explain. I would do anything. But are we drifting apart? Is he drifting away from me? Does he love me anymore? When he said that the way he did, I told him just to go and come back some other time. When he left, he looked at me with a heartfelt expression and said "I'm sorry". What does this mean? What does it MEAN? I'm so scared it means he isn't coming back. I've waited 4 long days...not a word. If he doesn't come back I might just wither away. He keeps me on my feet. I love him. I have never loved anyone so much. I am so worried he isn't coming back. What happened to us? There was a time I thought we were so close we were the same person. Now he's a stranger. A breaking heart really does hurt. 

I just wiped away all those tears. I don't want to think about this anymore. I want to think about something fun. I laughed out loud today, what was it that made me laugh? Oh, I remember now. Now that really brings a smile to my face. 

If only Lily had read the book better!

Remember that Turban? And she told everyone that she had turned to a new religion. And one day, something was stirring around in her turban, it was right in the middle of DADA, and Arlene said "Um, Lily, what's in your Turban?" And a snake slithered out. And then another and the girls were screaming. The grown snakes began to shed and they were dropping out of her all over the floor and people were jumping up on their seats. She was sent to see Dumbledore. So I followed her and found her sitting alone, petrified. I pulled off my cloak and unfolded my wings and said " I might as well get expelled too". Lily threw her arms around me.

"Thank you for being my best friend, you're the best in the world, you always will be." Then we sat in his office and talked about what we would do now that we were finally getting the boot. Then Lily started to cry and we both started wailing and holding each other. Lily was really blubbering and sobbing "I'll get expelled..." sniff, sniff "And our parents will never let us see each other again..."sniff "and I have snakes falling out of my head!!!" Dumbledore walked in and he looked so stern.

"Well girls, you've really tickled the dragon this time." And we only blubbered even more and then he began to laugh. The more we cried and wiped our noses with our hankerchiefs, the harder he laughed, and when I looked up and saw a gratifying tear streaming down his cheek, I knew there was nothing to cry over and I began to laugh. Then Lily caught the realization of all of it and she began to laugh. We were all laughing, and crying, and laughing. Another snake fell down her shoulder and she nearly fell out of her seat. I don't think I've ever laughed so much ever. Dumbledore is so wonderful. I think that

The alert from the crystal ball just went off...someone's coming...maybe it's 

Sirius.

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The door opened and in came four friends of Desdemone's; Remus, Ursula, Evie and Dumbledore. Behind them, two more well known faces entered, Cornelius Fudge the junior minister of magic and an Auror, Leopold Conway, one of the heads of the Magical Law Enforcement Patrol. They stood in a curved line in front of her, all facing her. Desdemone carefully studied their faces, all were solemn. Ursula's eyes were red and puffed-up, as were Evie's, it was apparent that they had been crying. Dumbledore looked old and strained, all the same upset. When she looked into Remus' face and saw dull red eyes she knew even he had been through something horrific. Something was most definitely out of place.

"What's wrong?" She asked out loud, breaking the silence in a way that startled her; her own muffled trembling voice told her just how frightened she really was. Everyone stood about and made no sound. 

"What is it?" a terrified whisper. She felt like a child asking an innocent question. Her heart sunk and she knew something was wrong, something awful had happened and they had come to tell her. The first sound from them since their arrival arose from Evie's lip. It was a sound, not a word.

"A...the..." Evie dropped her head for a moment and when she lifted it a new tear had run down to her chin. She stammered before she gave up and cried "Oh Dezzie!". She stumbled back and Remus reached out to brace her. Inside her mind, Desdemone was fighting with herself. She knew what they had come to say...Someone was dead. Voldemort had struck once again, someone she knew...Who? She didn't want to know. 'There wasn't anyone' she thought 'everyone is fine, it's something else, no one is dead, oh god who is it?' possibilities tried to break their way through to her but she pushed them back.

"Who...?" The word came out too fast for her to stop it.

"Have a seat, Miss. Thumbleknuckle" Cornelius Fudge had a sympatetic look on his face. She sat down in the only chair in the room, a wooden rocking chair. "I hate to be the one to have to say this." Cornelius stammered. "But someone has to do it, that's why we're here."

That's when it occurred to her, a logical thought that couldn't help but penetrate her mind. Why were they the ones here to tell her? Why them? Where were the closest ones to her, her closest friends, the ones who could comfort her while the earth itself was coming to an end? Where were they? Why weren't they the ones coming to break the news to her now?

"Before I tell you what we came to say, we've agreed that in a case like this you might want to be tied down for your own safety...Please understand." He took out his wand and lightly tapped it to her wrists, a strong sturdy coil fastened her to the chair. 'It was bad, really bad.' she thought. 'Where were they? They were going to say something to her and where were the ones who could calm her in a time such as the end of existence? Where was Lily? Where was Sirius? Even her brother by marriage, James, who could make her laugh when the world was coming to an end? Where were they?

Everything was going by so slowly, perhaps it was because her heart was going so fast? Her left ankle was fastened. She was breathing faster now, too fast to be safe. Her right ankle...where was Lily? Lily is safe, wherever James was, Lily was too. They were together someplace, together, with her godson, baby Harry...safe. Sirius. She looked around for answers and she could see their faces, none could be read. Was it family? Mother, Father, Moesha? It was Sirius, where was Sirius???

A final belt was fastened to her waist.

She felt an anxiousness she'd never felt, so strong she didn't know what to do next and she felt her eyes well up with tears.

"It's Sirius, isn't it? Something is wrong! Please tell me! Where's Sirius? He's alright, right? He isn't d...d... he's fine right?"

"Sirius? He's just fine, Dezzie!" Remus snarled, his face was cold and furious, hurt, but angry. He cringed as he said it. "How could you have not known? How? Is Sirius dead you ask? No, Dez, He's just fine! In fact..."

"Remus, Please" Dumbledore spoke softly, a contrast of Remus' fury. Desdemone regarded his face, she'd never seen Dumbledore's eyes full of tears as they were. This was not the laughing old man with tears of gratification. This was Dumbledore, a tired old man, crying. Pain. The one thing Dumbledore never showed the world. 

"Desdemone" Declared Dumbledore "I am not celebrating the honour of being the one to tell you that yesterday there was an accident, something that should never have happened. A number of people were killed and three very special people, your friends, were among them."

And then they told her.

Every piece of her fell apart as she screamed. A stained-glass window inside her shattered. Liars. Tears streamed down her face and down the faces of the others. And she screamed, and screamed, and cried. Everything went dizzy, she was sinking and going smaller and smaller. She was hurling back in time to a nightmare, praying all the time that it was not true. White knuckled hands clenched the chair handles, the chair violently rocked back and forth, back and forth. She knew it was truth. A torturous frenzy, she knew it was all too late to prevent. And with a faltering gasp she ended the excruciating sound of pure pain. Her heart was broken. She felt herself nod off and very slowly, staring down at nothing, everything around her faded out and she was left alone in the dark.

rocking.

rocking.

rocking.


	2. Chapter 2.

Dear Diary

I have been sleeping for days with few breaks. Dreamlessly sleeping. I hadn't even remembered going to sleep after they told me, but Ursula says it's been days. That's all due to the stunning curse, though.

I'm not at the cabin anymore. I'm in London. At Naffelegoat square, in room 108 at the Wizarding Hospital. Ursula is trying to console me. I wish she wouldn't. I wish she would give me a little space. I haven't had any space since they told me. They think I'll hurt myself if they leave me alone. They haven't actually said it. They said "We're here to keep you company." Being an Auror myself I know what this means. They are here to keep me safe, or from hurting myself.

I can't bring myself to write it. This is all too real but it feels as if I'm in a dream, floating from scene to scene and it'll all disappear soon. But I know it won't. I've seen it over and over again. Me being the protecting Auror while someone else sits and stares at everything as if they've seen it for the first time, as if nothing is real. But it is real, it's always real, and even this is real. They're dead. Lily, James and Peter are dead.

When they came to tell me, I knew. Dumbledore, Fudge, Leopold, Evie, Ursula and Remus came to my cabin the other night. They had to tie me down. It's a good thing they did too, they wouldn't have been able to hold me down if they hadn't. I imagine I may have run straight for my wand and cursed myself, or through a window, or maybe even the knife drawer. It was that bad, it was like being hit by lightning the way the pain hit me like that. The last thing I remember was screaming. I couldn't stop. And I said things I shouldn't have, called people names I shouldn't have, I even blamed Remus for things that he didn't do. I called Dumbledore a liar. I can't even remember what made me do it. I didn't mean it, I don't really know what made me do it. I just couldn't stop screaming. 

They say that Sirius is at fault. They say he outright murdered them, that he turned to the dark lord. If It weren't for him, my best friend would be alive right now. This is the hardest part of it all; I can't bring myself to believe it. And I must be mad, crazy, a lunatic even. Because a part of me is siding with him. I feel so guilty and disgusting. Oh dear god, Desdemone, how can you still defend him after what he did? He killed Lily! Sirius killed her, and James and Peter!!! Desdemone, how can you even think it? If I forgive him, I can't forgive myself. He chose Voldemort over all of us. But I do forgive him.

The feeling is making me sick inside. I feel so confused I just want to die. There's two people I've loved more than anyone else in the world. Lily and Sirius. Now Lily is dead and Sirius is the only one left. My heart is making excuses for him, telling me that I should love him anyway. And I still do love him. I need him more now than I feel I ever have, and yet the more I love him the more I hate myself. I want Lily back. I can't do this, I can't do this at all. What would Lily say? I am shaking. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't write. I just

And that's just what I did, I threw up. After that last entry I had to stop and run to the ladies room down the corridor. Ursula stopped gazing out the window and said "Des? Des, are you alright?" She ran after me but I closed the door behind me and slid the lock in place. I barely made it to the loo before I was sick. 

"Des? Dezzie?"

I ignored her. She knocked and then the knob shook.

"Dez, open up."

She'd forgotton her wand back in the room. I sat back against the wall and hugged my knees resting my cheek on them.

"Dezzie? Are you alright? Answer me!"

"I'm fine." My head was a little dizzy and I couldn't bring myself to stand up.

"Can you unlock the door?"

"I'll be out in a minute, I'm just going to wash my hands." I flopped over and crawled toward the sink, somehow pulling myself up. Running my hands under the cool water woke me up a little. I looked in the mirror and saw the face of a stranger. Her eyes were cloudy and lifeless. Her face was pale and covered in deep dark shadows. All I could see was a betrayer.

I looked back to my hands under the running water and they lingered to wrists. At the back of my mind I heard Lily's voice "_You're the best in the world, you always will be._" It seemed to echo. I found myself replying in my head. 

"No, I'm not. I'm not..." It echoed, then Lily's voice grew louder and so did mine. The voices were jumbled, growing louder and louder.

"No, I'm not" I whispered, and I said it again louder.

"Dez?"

"I'm not!" I said out loud.

"What?" Ursula sounded concerned.

That's when I lost control. I punched the wall as I screamed "I'm not, dear god, I'm not! I'm not! It isn't true!" I started to breathe faster and faster. The wild rage returned and swept through me. I flung open the cabinet and scattered it's contents everywhere.

"Dezzie!!! What are you doing?! Open the door! Dez!" She was slamming on the door now. "Dez! Open the door now! Stop it! You're scaring me!"

I couldn't be stopped. I kept screaming and throwing things around. I was looking for something sharp, something that could pierce the skin. I found a bottle of some sort of serum and without reading it, I opened it and drank it all down, hoping all the time it was a poisonous serum. I threw the empty container at the door and it shattered.

"DEZZIE!" Ursula screamed, violently shaking the door. "Someone help me! Dez, stop, please!" She may have been crying, I don't know. I didn't seem to care. I caught a glance of my face in the mirror, my hideous betraying face and I savagely charged at it. I smashed at it with my fists and cracked it. 'Broken glass' I thought. I could hear Urs running down the hall crying out for aid. The mirror was attached by two hinges and wrenching at it I managed to break one. By furiously jerking it and shaking and pulling at it, it broke off the wall. I could hear footsteps coming just before I held the mirror above my head and plunged it down on the sink. It smashed and the splinters of glass went everywhere. The palms of my hands were cut up, they were bleeding. I fell to the ground and cast my eyes about, looking for the right piece. I had one in my hand when the door swung open and Urs was there, her hands tightly gripped around my arms. She was trying to pull me out. The shard of glass slipped from my wet hand and I began to thrash my arms around. I hit and scratched at Ursula, screaming all the while. There were more people around me and they held me down. I fought to the last second, the word 'stupefy' rang through the air, and I fought through the moment before it hit me. 

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End file.
